上海10月6日全能五星模拟考优秀作文点评(2)

上海奥数网 2015-10-13 11:00:51

　　四年级

　　Welcome to Shanghai    郑**

　　Welcome to Shanghai. There are a number of scenic spots in Shanghai.

　　First, you can go to the Bund. You can see the fantastic view of Huangpu River there.

　　Second, you can go to the Oriental Pearl TV Tower in Lujiazui. It is not only extremely tall but very beautiful as well. The lights will be turned on during the night.

　　Last but not least, The Museum of Science is wonderful, too. You can see the telescopes and other high-technology machines, or watch a movie in the ball-theater.

　　There are a lot of scenic spots in Shanghai. Welcome to Shanghai!

　　【点评】 本文围绕主题，重点介绍的是上海的景点，针对每一处景点作者都进行了分述。亮点在于层次非常清晰，通过First，second，last but not least等标志词让文章具备了很强的逻辑性。丰富的用词a number of, fantastic, not only…but…as well, high-technology machine以及被动语态的运用显示了作者的语言功底。

　　Welcome to Shanghai   张**

　　Good morning, welcome to Shanghai. It is a big city. If you want to travel here, I’ll give you some advice.

　　First, you must go to the Bund here. It is very famous in the world. You can buy things and have meals here.

　　Second, the Yu Garden here is also famous. You can have a lot of yummy food here.

　　Third, you should go to the Shanghai Grand Theatre to listen to the beautiful music. It is very nice. At last, you can walk in the Nanjing Road here. You can buy a lot of things here.

　　I hope you can have a good time in Shanghai. Bye!

　　【点评】 作者以朋友的方式娓娓道来，推荐了3个必去之处。结构清晰，分层明确。特色在于相同的内容，作者用了不同的句式，如：you must…,…is also famous等，令语言更多样，更具可读性。

　　Welcome to Shanghai   徐**

　　Hello, everyone! Welcome to Shanghai. Shanghai is a big and modern city. People here are very friendly. If you are lost, you can ask people about the road. They will tell you the right way to go to the right place. The food here is also very delicious. You can taste food such as roast duck, rice dumpling, noodles and so on. There are many beautiful spots in Shanghai. As you know. The Jingmao Tower is very tall. There are many floors in the Jingmao Tower. Do you know the Bund? The view there is very beautiful. There are many different types of buildings there. At night, the lights are on. The view at night is more beautiful than in the day. Hope you enjoy your trip in Shanghai!

　　【点评】 文章内容充实，层次分明。从上海的人、食物、景色多个维度来描写了上海，十分全面新颖。such as, as you know, different types of等短语以及从句的运用更是为文章增色不少。只是结构部分建议分一下段会更清晰。

　　从这些优秀作文中同学们可以找下自己的不足之处，并试着借鉴一些用词和句型，希望大家都能有所收获。