针对上海学而思10月6日进行的2015年全能五星模拟考试，“crystal盛烨”对其中的部分优秀作文进行了额如下点评。上海奥数网小编转发如下，供上海参赛考生参考。

　　五年级

　　The first time I swam      孙**

　　When I was six years old, my mother made me go to a swimming class because she couldn’t teach me by herself. Now I will tell you about my first swimming class. I had a lot of fun there.

　　One Sunday afternoon, I went to the swimming pool with my mom. I accidentally fell into the pool. I struggled in the freezing water and stood up by myself. My trainer taught me to hold my breath under the water. The first time I only held for 40 seconds but now I can hold my breath for 3 minutes.Then, the trainer told me to hold on tight to the edge of the pool and kick my feet. I learnt fast and soon I was floating! I was very happy.

　　I had a lot of fun during my swimming class and the first time I swam was very exciting. How about you?

　　【点评】 本文作者按时间顺序从开始不小心落水的慌张到之后慢慢进步的喜悦描述了第一次学游泳时的情景。准确定位过去时为全文时态，语言生动，结构清晰，行文流畅。作者在叙述时巧用形容词、副词为文章添彩，如：accidentally、freezing等。词组struggle in，to the edge of以及非谓语和复合句的运用，都体现了作者较高的英语水平。

　　The first time I travelled by air     张**

　　A few years ago, my mother decided to go to Beijing, and we would travel by air. I was so happy that I jumped high.

　　After we had arrived at the airport, I saw many places. Then we waited and waited. An hour later, we were able to get on the plane. I was quite excited. After we had taken off, we flew low over the city. I saw many lights like the stars. I heard loud voice of the aeroplane’ s engine. I even thought that travelling by air was the greatest thing I had ever done. After an hour, we arrived in Beijing.

　　This was the first time I travelled by air.

　　【点评】 本文围绕作者第一次坐飞机的经历展开，紧扣主题。

　　文章结构明确：首段概述、主体运用after、then等时间标志词分层，末段总结。

　　语言丰富：熟练运用从句、过去完成时以及最高级经典句型。

　　语法用词：通篇无误、准确得当。

　　做到以上这些不失为一篇优秀的习作。